Taking A Toddler to Pee on an Airplane - An Instructional Manual

Step 1:   Toddler squeals that she has to use the bathroom right as you begin your decent into your destination.  This is despite having been warned of the dire danger of even thinking about unbuckling your seat belts before the plane has come to a complete stop at the gate.

Step 2:  Ask toddler if she can hold it. 


Step 3:  See toddler look at you as if you're insane and begin to gear up for a whine.  Realize that you're asking for trouble.  Sigh and throw a furtive glance around for the flight attendants.  Quickly unbuckle the toddler and yourself and head army-style to the nearest restroom.

Step 4:  Attempt to wedge both of you into the closet sized room and close the door.

Step 5:  Realize this is impossible.

Step 6:  Hoist toddler onto the sink and reach behind you to close the door.


Step 7:  Briefly consider letting toddler pee in the sink.  (No, I DID NOT, I DIDN'T!)

Step 8:  Wedge your body against the wall and the sink, and hoist your foot up against the back wall so that you can help hold the toddler over the germ infested toilet.


Step 9:  Stumble as the plane hits sudden turbulence and hope toddler hasn't peed on your shoe.

Step 10:   As you try to blink with your head against the paper towel dispenser, as toddler if she's done.

Step 11:  Try not to keel over as she tells you she has other "business" to attend to.

Step 12:  Help toddler finish and realize that you're going to have to lift her over your head to get to the sink.

Step 13:  Nearly fall into the toilet as the plane hits more turbulence.

Step 14.  Calm toddler when she freaks out about the massive sucking sound coming from the toilet as it flushes.

Step 15:  Hold toddler under one arm, push water button with the other, and dispense soap with your toe. 

Step 16:  Realize that no one is getting clean and decide to head towards the hand sanitizer in the overhead bin.

Step 17:  Briefly attempt to assemble yourself in the mirror before giving up completely. 


Step 18:  Fiddle with the latch on the bathroom door.  Get completely frustrated that it won't open.

Step 19:  Rest head on bathroom door in exasperation and fall outwards when the door mysteriously opens. 

Step 20:  Gather last shreds of your dignity and the toddler and head back to your seat.  Ignore dirty looks from flight attendants as you strap into your seat belts 2 minutes before the plane actually hits the ground.