Sunday, March 21, 2010

Seems I Forgot a Few...

So, after my last post on the 5 parenting absolutes, I realized I forgot a few...

6.  Kids falling asleep in the car 3 minutes before you get home.  You've just spent the last 30+ minutes dancing like a marionette, singing show tunes, and throwing toys at to your drowsy children only to get distracted for one brief second.  Then you hear... nothing.  You hear dreaded silence and frantically peer back only to see closed eyes and gaping mouths.  Trails of drool are the harbinger of doom.  Goodbye afternoon nap. 

7.  All hell breaking loose when you pick up the phone.  The kids are sitting quietly, coloring and telling each other how very much they love their each other.  Rainbows and sunshine emanate from their every pore. You quietly get up and slide into another room for a quick phone call.  As soon as the other person says hello, it begins.  "MOM! SHE'S HITTING ME! OWOWOWOWOWWWWWWW! STOP HITTING MEEEEE!  MOM!MOM!MOM!MOM!MOOOOOM!  I WANT A COOKIE! I WANT A CRACKER! I WANT A MILLION DOLLARS AND A PORSCHE! MOOOOOOM!  WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOING?  MOOOOOM!  WHERE ARE YOU!?"   Hiding from them to finish your phone call is OK.  Hiding from them for the rest of the day?  Probably not. 

8.  Long naps when you have to be somewhere.  Nothing is more unpredictable and more irritating than infant sleep.  You pray daily for a nap that lasts longer than 15 minutes ohfortheloveofeverythinggoodandholy.  Then you have to be at the doctor's/dentist's/etc. at a random time.  15 minute nap?  No problem.   That'll give you plenty of time to get there.  And of course, that's the day the baby decides he'll test out a 2 hour nap.  Of course.  (And depending on how insanely sleep deprived you are, you absolutely will consider eating the $25 appointment cancellation fee as a small price to pay for a period of rest.  But don't think about trying to catch a nap while the baby does... they KNOW). 

9.  Kids repeating the bad word you said in traffic in front of your pastor/grandmom/new neighbor.  "Mama?  What's an 'ass?'"  "Huh?  What?!  SHHHH.  Nothing."  "But Mama, you said, "ass" yesterday in the car!  What's an "ass?"  Oh, hi Pastor Mike/Grandmom/Formerly Friendly But Now Horrified New Neighbor!"  I won't tell if you pretend it's another word for "donkey" and you claim to be explaining the nativity. 

10.  The baby will sneeze, barf or poop on you last clean outfit before you have to go out.  This is a given.  Once you are gussied up and ready to head out on your hot date, DO NOT PICK UP THE BABY.  I don't care how adorably he smiles at you.  I don't care how much you want another snuggle.  That baby will leak all over your spiffy date clothes and laugh while you scramble through piles of laundry for something that doesn't smell like regurgitated cheerios or something that doesn't have iridescent snot trails on the shoulder.  Good luck with that.  Don't say I didn't tell you.

11.  Mysterious worrisome symptoms will disappear immediately upon entering doctor's office.  Your child wakes at 4am complaining of a belly ache.  You reach to pick her up and realize she's got a major fever.  Upon turning the light on, you also see she's covered in spots.  And then, she barfs on you.  Your doctor is concerned and wants to see her first thing in the morning.  As soon as you pull up to the doctor's office and peel off the 11 layers you piled on your feverish, puking, spotty child, she perks up and you notice that not only is she fever free, but her spots are gone and she's complaining that she's hungry.  Goodbye $20 copay. 

I know there are more... Got any good ones?


  1. Iridescent snot trails - ha ha ha ha!

  2. How about how consistently your child only eats one half of her whole sandwich until the day you pack a lunch with just one half for her. THAT day, when you are out and about, she will eat her half and then you'll have to hand over your own. Sigh...story of today. =)
    Let's get together sometime, next week maybe?


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