5 Absolutes of Parenthood

1.  Your kids have a sixth sense.  This sense is the refined ability to be completely content or asleep until the very moment when you set off to do one of the following:  take a nap, use the bathroom, prepare a meal, or eat anything containing sugar.  They will sense the exact moment to wake screaming from their nap, break down the bathroom door, to crawl up your body, or to find you while you're furtively stuffing chocolate chips in your mouth.  This sixth sense never, ever fails.  Occasionally, this sense will also enable them with the ability to know the precise moment you fall asleep at night so that they may let out a blood curdling scream while still peacefully slumbering in their own beds.  

2.  Kids band together.  They speak some sort of kid language and use their powers to befuddle us adults.  Sometimes, they plan to alternate nightly wake-ups to be merely an hour apart, thus forbidding the adults to sleep more than an hour at a time.  If you don't have more than one kid, watch out for kid-pet interactions.  Without fail, at least once, your pet will barf on the carpet several times in the middle of the night.  Your child will time their wake ups to be exactly opposite of your pet's.  Only have one kid, no pets?  You could call yourself lucky, but I'm sure your kid will telepathically contact the neighbor's teenager and work out a schedule of intermittent nightly wakings and a midnight bass party.

3.  Small kids always prefer to eat off of any surface besides their plate at the table.  You could serve the most delicious looking, kid friendly meal on a favorite plate and if there's a 6 day old goldfish cracker chilling on the floor in plain sight, your toddler will be all over that in a hot second.

(Let us not speak of why there may have, in fact, been a goldfish of that age on our floor at one time.  I have three kids.  I HAVE THREE KIDS).


4.  Kids have the uncanny ability to reveal embarrassing facts about you at the worst possible time.  "Hey Ms. Mommy's Boss!  Did you know my mommy has 'oobies!  And my mommy sometimes makes loud toots!  They're funny!  And did you know that sometimes, mommy puts candies in her nose and that looks funny!"

(For the record, that last item may or may not have happened.  Hey, parents will do a lot of things to get a laugh).


5.  Kids can turn on the cute on demand to get themselves out of trouble.  "BEAN!  STOP THAT INFERNAL WHINING BEFORE MY EARS FALL OFF!  ONE MORE WORD AND YOU'RE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!"  "Um, Mama?"  "What?!!" "Mama, when we get home, can we snuggle?"

*sigh*   "Of course kiddo."

They know.  THEY KNOW.