They Should Make Armor For This

Once upon a time, I used to be able to lay on the floor while the kids played with and around me and occasionally, they'd wander behind my back or I'd close my eyes while playing "Baby."  No worries.

I realized that changed when, under coercion from the girls, I stretched out on the floor. The girls wanted me to be the baby.  And part of being the baby involves me going to sleep.  This game is generally AWESOME... a warm blanket?  Pillow?  Little hands patting me on the head?  Sweet!  But as I lowered myself to the floor, I warily eyed my son.  Then as I closed my eyes, I curled my body into a fetal position and put my arms over my head and face as if I were bracing for an earthquake.

Why?   The answer came about 15 seconds later when all 26 pounds of my hilarious little son landed on my head.

He apparently thinks it's funny to dive bomb my face.  Over. And over. And over.

So, I've adapted.  I now brace for onslaughts of toddler affection.

No one warned me about this.  Or about being poked in the face with eating utensils.  Or about being used as a human jungle gym.  Or about having to catch your toddler as they dive-bomb out of your arms to reach something forbidden.  No one mentioned that playing pretend could sometimes be hazardous to your health. Or that most parental injuries are gifts from your children.

These kids and their exuberant affection are dangerous. 


I seriously think there's a market for a good protective suit for parents.  Heck, it could be made with built in footholds.  Because really, they're going to try to climb up your body anyway... might as well make it less painful. 

(taken right before he tried to dive down to you know, eat the goat or something).

Sick Days - A Comparative View

Sick Days When You're a Sick Kid - Cartoons for you for as long as you can stay awake
Sick Days When You're a Sick Parent - Cartoons for the kids as long as they'll stay still.

Sick Days When You're a Sick Kid - Naps under your favorite blanket while Mom or Dad brings you cool drinks for when you wake up. 
Sick Days When You're a Sick Adult -Flopping on the couch trying to close your eyes while little people pester you to get them a drink.


Sick Days When You're a Sick Kid - A possible trip to the doctor to be sure it's nothing serious.
Sick Days When You're a Sick Parent - You gauge whether you're urge to keel over and die is greater than the hassle of finding a babysitter so you can go to the doctor's.

Sick Days When You're a Sick Kid - Sympathy, comfort, and some doctoring from Mom and Dad.
Sick Days When You're a Sick Parent -Being "doctored" by your concerned kids.  Generally involves being poked in the eyes, ears and mouth, being stepped on, crawled over, and smooshed.

I think the greatest thing Obamacare should have included was a sick day plan for parents. 

And You Thought You Had a Weird Diet

We went grocery shopping today and Baby Brother was crowding himself all over my midsection.  Apparently, he took today to be the day when he would size me up for the chaise lounge he's been planning to move in. 

Anyway, I looked down and said, "Man, I feel so full!"  Bean peered up and me and said,

"What did you eat?"

"Oh no, not that, it's the baby making me feel full."

Her eyes widened and she patted my belly,

"You ATE a BABY!?"

Cracks. Me. Up.  She's on a roll lately.